Natural Birth Diary: Piper

My first child, a son, was born in a hospital weighing 8 pounds 4 ounces. My labor was induced due to ruptured membranes - which I now know was unnecessary - and lasted 18 hours with 4 hours of pushing.

After an unwanted episiotomy, 2 failed attempts at vacuum extraction, fundal pressure and threats of a C-section, he was torn from my body via forceps leaving me with a 4th degree tear. In the days and weeks following his birth, after an initial breastfeeding setback, I felt detached from him and depressed. My second birth, as you will see, was much different.

I didn't sleep well the night before I went into labor. I was up and down almost every hour between midnight and six with contractions that were waking me up. They fizzled out and I got a few hours of sleep between 6 and 10. Around noon or one they picked back up, but I thought it was related to digestive issues and wasn't really taking it seriously. I started timing contractions in my head, figuring they were about 5 minutes apart or so. They were uncomfortable but I just went about my day. I decided I would quit work for the day - I work from home - and do some chores in case labor was imminent.

When my husband came home, contractions spaced out for about an hour or so. We did our usual evening routine. My husband made me a nice dinner. I played with our son and folded some laundry. Then we gave our son a bath and put him to bed. I was starting to get kind of irritated and couldn't get him in bed fast enough.

Hubby and I had sex after that. We figured it might be one of our last chances, even if I wasn't actually in labor yet, and that it could move things along. We actually enjoyed it, which sort of convinced me that I wasn't in labor. In hindsight I was probably 7 to 8 cm dilated at the time but continued my evening in denial.

I normally walk the dog alone, but I figured it wasn't a smart idea in case I was in labor. My best friend, Kristen - who was a doula and midwife apprentice before she had her family - came over so hubby could accompany me. She was also my labor support person and highly knowledgeable about childbirth, so I wanted her close by.

I had several pretty intense contractions during the walk and just wanted to get back home. After we got home, she timed a few contractions for me. They were about 5 minutes apart and only slightly more intense than what I had been feeling all day. She thought we should just relax, watch some TV, start filling the birth tub just in case. She was going to leave for a bit and give us some privacy and asked that we call her in an hour to check in.

At that moment, my water broke. It was about 10 pm. I sort of squealed like a little girl, which Kristen thought was adorable. I said, "Well, I guess I'm really in labor," and I started laughing. I went upstairs to check the color and odor of the fluid so we could call the midwife and let her know what was up. I sat down on the toilet and had a MONSTER contraction. I was moaning through it. When Kristen heard, she knew things were happening fast. She ran out the door with my son so her partner could watch him and was going to change her clothes and come back.

I had already stripped my clothes and waddled to the birth tub, which had less than a foot of water in it. I burst into tears because I knew I needed it to be full. The contractions were hitting me every 90 seconds with almost no break in between. I couldn't relax. I couldn't get on top of them. I was already making a LOT of noise and losing control of myself. I was really embarrassed and scared. I was shaking and feeling nauseated, but I didn't believe it could be transition already.

I was trying to get down under the very shallow water thinking if I could just get submerged all the pain would go away. I was crying, "I wish the tub was full!"

After just a few contractions in the tub I felt my body starting to push on its own already. I pushed involuntarily for about a half hour emitting low grunts. I was actually trying not to push yet but my body was pushing so hard that I actually threw up a little and it came out my nose! At about this point my husband decided that his breath might be a problem, so he left the room to brush his teeth.

When he came back, the smell of the mint sent me reeling and I threw my body across the birth tub away from him because I felt so nauseated. The poor thing thought he was doing me a favor, but the smell of it was so strong I almost vomited. Kristen felt so bad for both of us! My husband later told me that he escaped between contractions to do a shot of olive oil in order to mask the overwhelming smell. That man sure does love me.

The contractions were unreal and I was still losing control from time to time. Kristen and hubby were great at talking to me and encouraging me. It was about 11 pm and the tub was finally full. My midwife showed up about then and I was really discouraged. I was feeling for the baby's head and still felt she hadn't moved down much.

The midwife asked if I wanted her to check me, and I did. This was my one and only vaginal exam for the whole pregnancy.

She said I was complete and maybe had just a lip of cervix. I couldn't believe it. One hour of what I considered true labor and I was complete and pushing.

From there things are pretty hazy. My midwife asked if she could support my perineum. She had been worried for weeks that my previous 4th degree tear would be an issue. I think if it weren't for my scar tissue, she may have come out in a matter of just a few contractions. I agreed to let my midwife support me, but as soon as she touched me I screamed. I said no, and she stopped immediately.

I had some psychological trauma from my first hospital birth and I think that contributed here.

She said I should put my own hand down there for support, which I did. That felt better anyway. A couple of times she poured olive oil into my hand so I could rub it into my skin. The progress I was making was so slow and I was so discouraged. Contractions were still really intense and very close together. I remember I kept saying, "I need a break."

At some point I stopped making progress in the water. I kept shifting positions and I started pushing even harder. Her head wasn't moving. My midwife suggested I get out of the tub and on my hands and knees in the bed. The thought of moving out of the tub terrified me, but I agreed. I just wanted her out, and said so.

As soon as a contraction ended, everyone was debating whether or not it was a good time to get me out of the tub. I knew I only had about 20 seconds and I said, "Let's go. Now! Before I have another one." They lifted me out, and with her head about halfway out, I waddled the 15 feet to the bedroom where they had set up some pillows for me to lean on, with chux pads underneath.

This was definitely the most helpless, most awkward moment of my life. Nothing can describe the feeling of walking with a human head hanging halfway out of your vagina.

I barely got there before another one came. I started screaming - on my hands and knees - I couldn't hold my tissues down there anymore and it felt awful. My midwife started stretching me, using warm compresses and olive oil to lube up her head. It was really uncomfortable and I wanted her to stop, but I thought it might help and just pushed through it.

Finally the ring of fire peaked - I had already been burning for an hour or so, but this was unreal. I started screaming that it was too hot - thinking it was a warm compress - and everyone assured me I was just stretching. On the next contraction I pushed her head totally out, expecting relief - but there was none. I felt a new kind of pain, deep inside. I guess it was her shoulders, but I was frantic to get her out. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I thought for sure someone was doing something to me to cause the pain. I pushed as hard as I could and she was finally born.

They passed her through my legs and helped position me in the bed. The traction on the cord was killing me. I was so sore I couldn't lift her very high. I remember saying, "I don't feel Euphoric. Where is this awesome euphoric moment you should have with a natural childbirth, cause I don't have it?!"

I had another intense contraction and it caught me off guard. I guess I was thinking that once you have the baby, it's over. The placenta was coming down. I pushed one final time and it emerged with the maternal side facing outward, which I'm told is rare and special, something called a Duncan. My midwife noticed a gush of blood and started massaging my uterus and dumping Shepherd's purse into my mouth, among some other Homeopathics like arnica and after pain relief. They tasted horrible.

Again, things sort of became a haze. The baby was crying off and on. I tried to nurse her, but it took her about 20 minutes to really want it. When the cord stopped pulsing, they clamped and cut it. Piper Elizabeth was born on November 5th, 2009 at 1:06 am weighing 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Her size was a surprise to everyone involved - my midwife had guessed that she would be around 7 pounds and simply didn't know where I had been hiding all that baby. I had lots of swelling and some small paper-like cuts, but remained intact.

We took an herbal bath together and it felt so good to be clean and to sleep in my own bed.

Re-reading my birth story, it seems, to an outsider, that I had a horrible experience. Yes, things were intense and my birthing certainly wasn't pain-free, but it really helped me heal from my son's traumatic hospital birth and empowered me in a way that nothing else in my life ever has. I have never been so entirely "me," so utterly primal as I was during those 3 hours. It seemed as if I was only a body, that my consciousness was floating above me the way people describe near-death experiences or going under anesthesia. The knowledge of how to birth my daughter was inside of me, not in a book, not spewing from the mouths of medical professionals. Somehow I feel more connected now to all women, all mothers; to my ancestors who gave birth in huts, squatting over beds of straw. I feel so much comfort knowing that my daughter was born onto our bed and cradled in my arms first. No one poked, prodded, suctioned or forced out her first cry. It was a gentle and loving way for a baby to be brought into the world.

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